The Mummy (2017)

What’s the bet Brendan Fraser is smiling right now?

An ancient princess is awakened from her crypt beneath the desert, bringing with her malevolence grown over millennia, and terrors that defy human comprehension.

Where to start? Well, would you believe it or not, there were six writers for this… SIX! Shocker, right?! Alex Kurtzman’s The Mummy, aka The Tom Cruise Show is tonally a motherfucking mess. Is it an action? Horror? Comedy? Whatever, it was trying to be, what I know is that it’s not the best start for what was going to be the highly anticipated Dark Universe saga.

To have a movie about a Mummy and have no Egypt is almost insulting. However, not as insulting as every character in this 110-minute mess. Tom Cruise, I think is meant to be a loveable rogue but comes more across as unlikeable asshole. Annabelle Wallis’s character brings absolutely nothing to the story, except having to be saved repeatedly by Mr Cruise. Is it getting more obvious that six men wrote this? Lastly, lets just pretend Jake Johnson wasn’t in this film, his ‘comic’ relief is so cringey, it was difficult to sit through. The attempt at comedy here is so on the nose that it hurts, it hurts like a punch in the nose.

The only redeeming feature of The Mummy were Russell Crowe and Sofia Boutella, who both killed it with that they were given. Crowe is charming with his shonky British accent and Boutella is a goddess on screen. It’s just a shame Boutella wasn’t given more screen time to really give her character some depth, instead we are given a very bland exposition heavy backstory.

Technically, Kurtzman has a very well made movie on his hands. The action scenes are undeniably impressive but it isn’t enough to rescue it from still being very dull. There is no balance between action and horror or horror and comedy which is what Brendan Fraser’s 1999 version exceeds so perfectly at. Which is why it is possibly my all time favourite guilty pleasure movie, it is perfectly cheesy in all the right places.

The Mummy has no scares, no laughs and leaves no desire to step into the Dark Universe. Please Hollywood Executives, don’t harm any other classic horror icons with your explosions and bad jokes. Leave it to the people who care about the monsters and not about the money.

3.0 /10

“Welcome to a new world of gods and monsters”

 

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